Partnership for Dads was founded with a mission to help fathers become more involved parents and build strong families so that their children can have the best possible life. The importance of this effort and how we’re working to achieve our goals will be the focus of our lecture this weekend, where we discuss “Our Mission for Dads”.
As I write this, our first-born is just back home from his first year of college and our youngest is soon to finish her junior year of high school. A window will close soon for us. That window through which we enjoy hours and hours physically together most days, molding each other. That window closure is the natural way of things; it truly is the way it’s meant to be as they become their own people. Though this dad finds that bittersweet, it’s much easier to face knowing I have no big regrets.
That’s not to say I didn’t make mistakes; I made tons of them, and continue to very regularly. But I don’t look back and say “I wish I’d made more effort to be a part of it all.” I was intentional, from well before they were born, about being as much a part of their childhood as humanly possible. For all the miscues in the past and future, getting that one right has made all the difference for them, and for me.
A third of American kids now live without their biological fathers. Nearly every statistic on kids turn sour when fathers disappear.
What does a father bring to the table?
— all displayed differently than my mother, which was fine. My father also taught us how to be a husband, how to respect a woman, when to lead and when to support.
I’m sure many people tuned into this post to find out about the hot new gadget to get dad for Fathers’ Day. Sorry, but there’s no update on the newest in computerized grill accessories or digitized golf toys. Instead, I wanted to share an idea for the ultimate gift – the one that more than pays for itself. Unfortunately, there’s a major string attached to this gift – Dad doesn’t actually receive it until many years down the road. In fact, with this gift, Dad needs to do most of the heavy lifting! I know this isn’t sounding much like the traditional gift, but trust me – it’s the best gift ever given and ever received.
With the 11th Fathers Conference getting close now, any father with at least one daughter 10 years old or under should take a deep breath and feel the exhilaration of how much he means to his daughter(s), and will for the rest of her life. It can be scary to think about how much influence you can have on her, both positive and not so positive. But real fathers don’t run from something that can be scary…they see the joy in conquering fear and the unimaginable payoff in fathering our daughters with conscious, intentional and loving actions.
So, are you ready for a quick little quiz?
All theories aside, a simple truth – a basic fact – frames everything: boys are men in the making. Anyway you cut it, the facts are the facts. Patriarchy may be dead, but right now, the ‘boy code” (Real Boys: Rescuing Our Boys from the Myths of Boyhood Pollack, 1999) rules the roost rushing the boys along the river into “guy code” (Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men Kimmel, 2009) [my view is they do not become men] and over the falls into the still pool of male unhappiness (I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression Diamond, 2005). The boys deserve a better shot at manhood. We can give it to them. Collectively, we can “kick some serious butt” and shatter the boy code. You game?
So, my friend Brett Stephenson, author of the outstanding book, From Boys to Men (Park Street Press, 2006), writes: “More and more in my reading, I come across research that seems too ridiculous to be true. In Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, for example, the authors point toward a number of studies that reflect the importance of men in a relationship, both as a spouse and as father. The fact that we even have to research whether fathers have a purpose and value is one of the saddest commentaries on our culture that I can imagine. It’s as though the underlying belief in our country is that fathers are expendable, except for the money they provide. As a man, and a father, I find this most insulting [an understatement to me -TB]. Is it any wonder so many men don’t recognize and fulfill their true responsibilities as fathers? Have we really digressed as cultural parents so far that we have to prove via empirical research that fathers indeed do have day-t0-day value in the emotional upbringing of their children?”
Kudos to Brett! My view . . . it’s worse than that. What do you think?
When I come to the game, I bring my balls. Bring yours too.